By Digger Burrows, NNN Celebrity Conspiracy Correspondent
Tiger Woods was in a minor traffic accident last week. While his car, a fire hydrant, and a tree or two suffered some damage, no other motorists were involved. Somehow or other this non story has been in the news daily with accusations of adultery and marital discord fanning the flames of scandal. Many have expressed outrage at Woods' silence, kicking and whining about their right to know all the details of his personal life. Some have gone so far as to threaten to hold their breath until they turn blue unless Woods tells them everything they want to find out.
Yesterday more serious concerns arose. Attorney Grizbor Tznuq, DVM, DD, JD has announced that he has filed suit in federal court alleging that Woods is not a natural born citizen and thus must give up his Masters titles. Tznuq says "We can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Woods is the child of a Basque father and Botswanan mother who entered the US illegally in the bilge of a Panamanian registry tramp steamer in 1977. His biography before his mysterious putting contest with Bob Hope on the Mike Douglas show in 1978 is a complete fabrication. His refusal to accept Thai citizenship in 2000 was the result of his fear of exposure. We have Woods' Maltese birth certificate and witnesses to his birth at a hospital in Mgarr."
Tznuq (below) has had an interesting career. He has previously filed suits contesting Disney's ownership of Mickey Mouse and Uncle Scrooge on behalf of the estate of Winsor McCay. His license to practice veterinary medicine has been suspended in 3 states on the grounds that he performed cosmetic surgery on undocumented aliens (human) in domestic service. Tznuq declined to comment on the suit or the licensing problems.
Woods had not returned phone calls from NNN in time for the publication of this story.