Gingrich Bombshell: Romney's Hooked on Coke

BOSTON.  With Herman Cain's announcement that he is suspending his campaign, the race for the Republican presidential nomination turned into a two-man slugfest yesterday, with former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich landing the first body blow; a stunning revelation that former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is addicted to coke, a habit that puts him at odds with his faith and the GOP’s family-values constituency.

“You have to understand–'Diet' Coke is a gateway drug.”

“I have come to the conclusion that I am addicted to Vanilla Coke,” Romney says in a videotaped interview to be broadcast on the CBS newsmagazine 60 Minutes, the forum chosen by Bill and Hillary Clinton during the 1992 presidential campaign to address allegations that the then-governor of Arkansas spent long periods of time in the bathroom with plus-size women’s lingerie catalogs.

“As long as he stays away from Victoria’s Secret, I look good . . .”

In an average day on the campaign trail Romney consumes six diet Vanilla Cokes, and becomes cranky if his advance team fails to have an adequate supply ordered at each campaign stop.  “Mitt was furious when we ran low in Ottumwa (Iowa),” says press liaison Alan Zucker.  “He started screaming ‘Jiminy Christmas–is everybody here a complete nimmy-not?’”  Some interns were embarrassed by Romney’s language, according to sources close to the campaign.  “He’s a grown man,” said Ellen Walker, a sophomore political science major at Michigan’s conservative Hillsdale College.  “He ought to be able to swear better than that.”

Get a grip on yourself!

Contrary to popular belief, the Mormon Church now permits its members to drink cola beverages as long as they do so in moderation.  The 8th Doctrine and Covenant of the Church of Jesus Christs of Latter-Day Saints reads as follows: ”Behold, verily I say unto you, that a feast of fat things, such as cheese curls and potato stix, be prepared, with refreshing soft drinks so that the mouths of the prophets shall not fail, but don’t like totally pig out on Coke and Pepsi, okay?”

Herman's Hermits: The author saw them in concert, and it wasn't pretty.

Romney’s squeaky-clean image took a hit recently when it was revealed that he was one of the original “Herman’s Hermits,” a nauseating boy-band of the mid-to-late sixties.  “I saw the road those guys were headed down and I quit” Romney said.  “They were starting to experiment with Mountain Dew, sometimes drinking it through a straw to increase the ‘rush’ you get when it hits your soft palate."